Through the Looking Glass

I've decided to enter the world of blogging. I will hide under the anonymity veil though.  Hello world, this is me.. I promise to give you the most information in the vaguest of detail.  I read a lot of blogs on my phone because I'm a loser.  I'm not particularly witty but I know my life can be vaguely interesting.  I relate a lot to some of my favorite bloggers, admire their honesty, and self revelations.  I'm not telling a soul about this so I can be brutally honest with myself and hopefully get some brutal advice.

Dorothy in Wonderland, Alice in Oz.. I can't decide who I want to be and where I want to go.  I do know The Wizard of Oz is my all-time favorite movie and Alice in Wonderland is an amazing read and flick.  I thought I was the only brilliant one to see similarities between the stories but my Googling has let me know otherwise.  I chose this title because I like Judy Garland's portrayal the most.  I'm a lost little girl more often than not, trying to figure out which way to go.  As for Oz and Wonderland, you'll see.  I've also been struggling with a bit of Peter Pan syndrome but wasn't sure how to fit that into the title..

I'm in my mid twenties in a nondescript major city.  I went to school for something I realized 5 years in I wasn't into. I dropped out, became a hot mess, and gained 40 pounds from alcohol consumption.  My parents hauled my ass home and I was in a drunken stupor for about 6 months until I fell into an amazing job.

As I was falling in love with my job I met a guy who worked in the field I went to school for doing something completely different.  He's older, sexy, and somewhat of a mentor whose bones I can't stop myself from jumping.  Somewhere between seductions he pointed me in a new career direction, adding up a few simple obvious equations for me.  So this sexy gentlemen whom hence forward shall be known as the Silver Fox helped me figure out my life.

I slowly gathered perspective.  Stopped showing up for work hangover.   I found a school 2000 miles away that will help seal the deal for my future.  I haven't attended yet, I am registered, but I need to get my finances in order.   Its a quick wham bam thank you mam sort of program.  I pray I will be successful before I'm 30.  And slowly I am shedding that weight I gained from being a drunken riot both naturally and from random effort.

In an attempt to pave my future awesome career, I recently left my job that got my foot in the door in my desired field.  I'm between companies.. So currently I am unemployed but I pray for not too much longer.  Its only been a week... I am jumping through some hoops to get an epic job to fund the big ass move for school and the rest of my life.  For the first time in my entire life I am considered "experienced" in something that means something.  For the first time in my life I see a clear path to content and happiness.

Currently I feel rather stagnant in life.  I've come ridiculously far these past 2 years and I am super pumped about possibilities.  Until then, I wait in anticipation not really sure what to do with myself.

As for the men department, these are my 2 superstars..

The Silver Fox - previously mentioned.  He's over a decade older but doesn't look like it.  He has recently attained a girlfriend, a girlfriend that is not me.  We met through friends, been on dates, had some amazing times, but we've never been more than friends.  I value his friendship indefinitely.   I want more from him.  I wish my feelings for him were mirrored but, alas, they're not.  I'll take what I can get from him.........andprayhewillchangehismindlater.

Farmer - I met him in college.  I am notorious for having non-relationships.  Lets drop a bomb here- I have never been in a real relationship.  Farmer was my longest running non-relationship.  Over 2 years.  When I left our college town, he left the country.  (Coincidence?) Now he's moving to England..with his girlfriend.  That's a heart breaker too.   He was totally a rock n roll scenester covered in tattoos but when I met him he was working on his family farm and now he's a teacher.  I got lost in the transitions too.

I'm not sure why I've been so historically opposed to solid relationships.  I think I'm socially retarded in ways.  I am also ridiculously picky.  I'm confidant when I'm the seductress but shy when I am being seduced.  It is quite the paradigm.   I like the game but I'm starting to feel ready to retire... I just don't know how.

I like the artsy types.  I've dated a lot of guys with cameras.  I've done a lot of guys with guitars (and keyboards... and drums...).  I judge people on their taste in entertainment and the colors in their wardrobe (I don't do well with earth tones).  And the look they make right before they kiss you (seriously a potential deal breaker).   I get creeper out easily if someone really, really likes me but if you play the game & keep a safe distance, I'm all in.  Yes I know I want what I can't have, I'm trying to learn to want what I can have..  The grass is prettier on the other side.  So help me work through this, blog.

I have an amazing network of friends.  Unfortunately, my closest of friends are sprinkled throughout the country now.  I want to get married mostly just to get them all in the same city.  The BFF is south, the college best friend is still in the college town, another epic friend is in a classy ski town, and many friends are in a city less impressive than my own that I have a greater fondness for.  Follow?

I'm eternally optimistic so it will be hard for me to write about people I want to be good and have happy endings with.  I need above all to admit that maybe some people aren't good for me.  I don't have the best relationship with some people and I need to stop sugar coating these things to myself and admit it publicly, even if its in an anonymous form.  I've started finally admitting some of my flaws, but I need to take more blame.  I see everything in my life as a domino effect and I need to admit the blame presently rather than point the finger to history.

I really hope I can make connections with people.  Whether through music, debauchery, or some similar experiences.  I hope I learn from this.